Everyone’s settled. So why aren’t you?
The children have friends. Your partner is enjoying their job. The move looks like a success. But what happens when you’re the one still struggling to feel at home?
“What about me?”
It was the question Rebecca Nelson found herself asking after moving from New Zealand to Vietnam with her husband and three children.
The move had been a shared dream: an opportunity to experience another country and show their children more of the world. Her husband was enjoying his work. The children were settling into school and making friends.
Rebecca had spent four years building a business, including opening a restaurant just eight months before leaving. She had planned to stay involved remotely. When that arrangement proved unworkable, she had to sell her share.
Suddenly, a woman who had always identified strongly with her work found herself without a career.
She volunteered, joined groups, played tennis and met people. There was plenty to appreciate. Yet something was missing.
Then came a feeling she hadn’t expected: resentment. And close behind it, guilt.
How could she feel unhappy when she was living an experience she had wanted?
Rebecca shared her story during the first Belong Conversations: Beyond the Move, an online discussion I hosted with her and Angela Walker, whose international life has spanned 30 years and 11 countries.
Their experiences were very different. But our conversation kept returning to the same question: how do you build a life that feels like your own after a move?
The pressure to be grateful
There can be an uncomfortable gap between how a move looks and how it feels.
From the outside, there may be exciting opportunities, travel and a fresh start. From within, there may also be the loss of familiar routines, financial independence, professional identity or the friend who never needed the backstory.
Being grateful doesn’t make those losses disappear.
For Rebecca, it helped to talk with others who understood. During lockdown in Vietnam, time spent walking within her apartment grounds also brought unexpected friendships with neighbours.
Connection mattered. So did recognising that a full diary wasn’t necessarily giving her the sense of purpose she missed.
Later, the challenges of working across different countries helped prompt a change she had considered for years: training as a coach. Today, her own experiences inform the support she offers others navigating identity and transition.
Her story offers encouragement without suggesting that everyone needs to turn a difficult move into a new career. Finding your way may begin much more quietly: making room for an interest, acknowledging a disappointment or admitting that you need something for yourself.
Being surrounded isn’t the same as being known
Angela offered a distinction that stayed with me.
For her, loneliness abroad wasn’t necessarily about having nobody around. International life could be rich with introductions, activities and new friendships.
What she missed was being known.
The people you meet after a move know who you are today. They may know your partner’s job, your children’s school and where you lived last. They don’t yet know what it took to get there, what you have left behind or which parts of yourself you are trying to rediscover.
That understanding takes time.
Angela’s reflection was a reminder to carry valued friendships with us as well as making new ones. Rebecca described how she and her friends had recently taken the pressure off keeping in touch by exchanging voice notes, rather than waiting until everyone could manage a long call.
A small change, perhaps, but one that made connection easier to sustain.
” Don’t forget yourself while looking after everyone else. Make time for something that lights you up.”
Even “home” can feel unfamiliar
After decades overseas, Angela expected returning to the UK to be another move she could manage.
Her sons, who had never lived in England, approached it as a new destination and settled well. Her own adjustment was much harder.
She had left young and had never worked in the UK. Alongside practical unfamiliarities, she found herself missing the movement and variety of international life.
“The unfamiliar is actually what’s familiar for me,” she explained.
Over time, her understanding of belonging changed. It became less about finding a particular place and more about being somewhere she could be fully herself.
Her experience also challenged an assumption worth questioning: familiarity with a country doesn’t guarantee an easy transition. Returning with a familiar passport can still mean rebuilding a life.
A family moves together, but settles differently
Angela’s sons responded differently to change, too. One embraced new places readily. The other needed more time and support.
With the school’s help, she introduced him gradually through activities he enjoyed. Eventually, he settled and thrived.
There was no single timetable that worked for both children.
The same applies to adults. One person’s enthusiasm doesn’t cancel out another’s uncertainty. A family can share an address while having very different experiences of the move.
Recognising that gives everyone more room to speak honestly.
Making space for yourself
After around 30 years working across global mobility, corporate roles and international education, I have seen how much thought goes into getting people to their destination.
I created Belong because I wanted to give more attention to what happens afterwards: understanding everyday UK life, making connections and having somewhere to ask the questions that don’t fit neatly onto a relocation checklist.
Our conversation reinforced how valuable it can be simply to hear someone else describe a feeling you thought was yours alone.
When I asked Rebecca what small step she would suggest to someone who didn’t yet feel at home, her answer was straightforward: don’t forget yourself while looking after everyone else. Make time for something that lights you up.
Perhaps that is a useful place to begin.
Alongside asking whether the children are happy and your partner is settling into work, ask yourself a question that deserves equal attention:
What would help me feel at home here, too?
Caroline Breeds is the founder of Belong, a community offering practical guidance and connection for people moving to, living in or returning to the UK. This article draws on a Belong Conversations discussion with coach Rebecca Nelson, founder My Best Expat Life and Angela Walker, founder of Raising Change Globally.
Find Belong on Instagram at instagram.com/belong.uk
